Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
He shit in the fireplace
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
