i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
