dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
