Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
