recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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