Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
