sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
the raccoons are back...
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