the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
