Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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