Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
