i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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