Your face is a jimmy john
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
