I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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