"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
He is an equal opportunity slut.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
