I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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