someone threw a dead crab at me
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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