I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
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TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
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Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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