so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
