I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
