Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
