If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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