I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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