At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
