Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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