i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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