i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
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