I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
