He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
