there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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