Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Randomize
