I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
