Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
