Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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