Don't make out with my wife yet
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
