I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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