Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
