an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
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i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
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I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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