Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
