Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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