By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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