I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
