Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
