Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
