yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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