I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
