My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
