JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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