My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
