I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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