Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
