I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
