It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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