my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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