THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
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I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
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It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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