I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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