u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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